Intentional Relationships: 1 of 4 Steps Towards Conflict Resolutionby Pastor Dan Houk and Kris Swiatocho, co-authors of the study: Intentional Relationships For Singles (Excerpt from Chapter 8)
Conflict in relationships happens to us all. However, handling conflict can make the difference in growing your relationship or seeing it crumble. In the study “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” we have written an entire chapter on being “Confident in Conflict.” Below is one of four steps towards resolving conflict. Acknowledge the problem. Problems, disappointments, and hurts happen throughout your life. Some are minor issues like people being late, not following through, or kids not cleaning their rooms when you ask. However, some are significant issues like betrayal, communication breakdowns, or disrespect. These kinds of issues create divisions in relationships that need to be addressed. As a part of acknowledging the problem, be sure you do the following: • Pray. The first step in addressing any issue is to go to God. It’s also something you do throughout the process. He knows all the facts better than anyone. He will provide wisdom, direction, and peace as you go through the conflict-resolution process. He has a lot of experience. There is no scenario where God says, “Wow, I never saw that coming.” This may also be when you get wisdom from a trusted friend or counselor. • Assess it. Do you need a confrontation? Does the difference need resolving? If the conflict is a personality issue, the solution may be to agree, disagree, and bite your tongue. We may also realize we are at fault and need to let it go. If the conflict is due to the other person having mental issues, special needs, or being elderly, they may not be capable of understanding their responsibility or working through it. If you plan on confronting someone, have you prayed and thought about what you would say to the person? Have you sought input from others you trust who have the wisdom to guide you? Remember, seeking wisdom from one or two trusted people is wise. Seeking advice from twenty friends can lead to gossip. • Address it. If you decide you need to address the issue, it is important to confront the person involved to repair the relationship. If you are the one at fault, you may need to go and ask forgiveness. • Manage your emotions. One of the ways to listen is to ensure your emotions are not controlling you. Emotions in conflict make your issues seem bigger and inhibit your ability to be rational. To help you with your emotions, take the time to settle your nerves. • Plan to talk. Avoid emails or texting to discuss the conflict, as they don’t clearly communicate the truth or your heart and often lead to additional conflict. Meeting in person is ideal, but a phone or video call is better if this can’t be done. Be sure you and the other person are in the right frame of mind to discuss. Set a date and time that works for you both. • Find neutral ground. Find a place that will be comfortable for both of you to meet. Avoid noisy restaurants where you are easily distracted or could run into someone you know. • Meet one-on-one. The Bible instructs us to go directly to the person involved in the conflict and seek to resolve it. If you initially approach someone with others, it can appear as if you are ganging up on them, and they may feel attacked. This can put them on the defense and damage the outcome. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel in the same situation? If you can make concessions while still honoring Christ, do so if this will settle the issue. In kindness, seek to correct them. Come alongside to disciple them. Encourage and affirm good behavior. Do this all in a loving way. Some conflict resolution is for the closure of a relationship, to continue the relationship, or to start over, rebuilding a relationship. • Meet with others. If the person won’t listen, accept responsibility, change, or acknowledge their responsibility, or you feel you are making no progress, only then should you set a time to meet with a third party. Remember, the goal is resolution, not “winning.” Jesus discusses this approach to confrontation. “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. - Matthew 18:15-1 (NIV) • Don’t judge. Unless they tell us, we don’t know someone’s motives or intentions for whatever they said and did. In 1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV), the Bible says that “man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees the heart.” Judging a person’s motives puts a wall between both of you and makes resolution more difficult. Try to find something positive in how they look at things differently than you do. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1 (NIV) • Don’t assume. Try to avoid making assumptions. In addressing the issue with someone, you will need their perspective to resolve it entirely. That can only happen when you take the time to sit down and listen to each other. It is wise to keep the proverb below in mind. “The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.” – Proverbs 18:17 (NASB) • Don’t blame. Someone will need to take responsibility at some point, but that should not happen until you have all the information you need. Adam failed to do this when confronted by God and blamed both Eve and God! That was a major “oops,” and one I’m sure he regretted afterward. It did not bring him closer to Eve or God. Eve didn’t do much better. Blaming is an equal-opportunity sport. “The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.’ Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” – Genesis 3:12-13 (NIV) Remember, the confrontation isn’t only about you but also about repairing your relationship. “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but humbly count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV) As we mentioned, when you acknowledge the problem to someone else, speak the truth in love. When you do, you will obey Christ and honor the other person. Order your copy of Intentional Relationships for Single's 12-week Bible study to learn more. This study covers topics on why our relationships fail, identity, gender differences, boundaries, conflict, blind spots, friendship (in all our relationships—family, work, church, neighbors, friends) but also intentional friendship, including red, yellow, and green flags, intentional dating, and engagement. Intentional Relationships: Can You Really Be Friends with the Opposite Sex?by Pastor Dan Houk and Kris Swiatocho, co-authors of the study: Intentional Relationships For Singles
Is it possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex? For some, they say “yes,” and for others, a resounding “no.” So why would you think that it’s not possible? Recently, I was a part of a chat discussion about this topic. I was amazed at the numerous comments made. Women, for the most part, had no issues with being friends with men. They could see the value of building a friendship that may or may not lead to romance. They saw the relationship as one in which they could learn about men and ask some of those awkward and challenging questions. They also valued friends with married men, especially when they were friends with the men before they got married. Conversely, the men felt it was harder for them to be friends. They often see a woman as a potential date, someone of romantic interest that may or may not lead to marriage. For them, being friends with a woman fell into two categories: sister (thinking of her as a biological sibling—and you will know you are one when they start calling you “sis” or “sister”), romance, and nothing in between. They shared that they have tunnel vision and have difficulty seeing her as “just a friend,” which may or may not lead to anything other than friendship. And, of course, we had some exceptions. A few women felt the same way as the guys and vice versa. So, what is the correct answer? Is it possible to be friends and nothing else? Friends that continue to build deeper relationships with each other, only for growing in the Lord without any romantic intentions. I say “Yes”. Why? Because I have them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I hear ya guys. I know many men may say to me, well, Kris, you can do it because you are a woman, but we are in pursuit of a dating relationship, and we are either hot or cold. So, while you think you are great friends with one of us, in absolute truth, you are only great friends with the ones who don’t see you as a potential mate. But isn’t that ok? This way, I can just focus on the friendship without the concern of them like me in a romantic way, especially if I don’t feel the same way. I think so. In our Bible study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, Chapter 9 discusses friendship with the same and oppositive sex friends. We also talked about the types of friendships to avoid. Jesus was an opponent of friendships with women: The women in Jesus’ life not only spent time with Him, but they also supported His ministry. Jesus had direct conversations with them, gave them advice, and comforted them in times of sorrow. “And also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.” – Luke 8:2-3 “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.” – Luke 10:38-39 Jesus taught us the value of opposite-sex friends: • You learn about the other gender. For example, why do men like to drive long distances without stopping? Are they in competition with other men? Is there a website where you post the winners? What about women? Why do they say I will be ready in fifteen minutes, but it’s really an hour or more? What have they been doing in the bathroom for so long? Why is it a requirement to go to public bathrooms in twos? • It helps you set and practice boundaries. We talk about this in chapter 7. • You develop your ability to communicate with the opposite sex. • You can learn how to care for someone for who they are without a hidden romantic agenda. • It can reveal what you need to change in your life. It can expose things like personal motives and habits that get in your way with the opposite sex. • When you focus on building healthy opposite-sex friendships, they can develop into healthy romantic relationships. Here is the key to having opposite-sex friends: • You will need boundaries, especially so no one misunderstands your intentions. I am sure Jesus had many boundaries as he was a single man who probably had lots of mothers wishing he would marry their daughters. Jesus had a different future that would not include a wife. Can you imagine how he had to be careful with touching—including hugging, being alone and seen, private conversations, etc.? He is our perfect example of setting boundaries for the protection of yourself and the gospel. • You need to communicate your feelings, especially if the other person likes you more than a friend. I am sure Jesus had many conversations with women, letting them know he was not interested in romance or marriage. He was more interested in their soul, salvation, and serving. • Pray about the person if God has brought them into your life for a specific reason. Could it be to connect them with other people, ask them to serve on your team or in your ministry, encourage and support them in the work God has called them to do or build a friendship or a friendship towards marriage? Chapter 10 of the study discusses “Intentional Friendship,” the place between a generic friendship and dating, allowing you to build a deeper friendship. When you build a deeper friendship, you can learn things about each other, allowing you to make healthy God-led decisions about going forward with dating. Dating for the purpose of marriage. We included over 650 questions to help in getting to know someone better. • Be a great friend: support, listen, build trust, keep secrets, and hold each other accountable. • Enjoy it for the season you have it. Sometimes, they move away, sometimes they get married, and it changes things (as it should), and sometimes they just end your friendship, and you don’t know why, especially when you did nothing wrong. Embrace the time God has given you, value it, learn from it, and move on to the next friendship. If you struggle with developing opposite-sex friends, first look at:
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